Hey Spookies! I'm not going to beat around the bush, having a lot of health problems is really, really crap. I'm trying not to make this post whiny, but in total honesty, I've spent a lot of today crying, lying around, and feeling sorry for myself. Now's as good a time as any to talk about the effect physical health problems can have on your mental health so here goes. This post is just my own experience, and of course, these things all have different effects on different people so please bear that in mind!
I've got a whole bunch of health problems; some of them are connected, and some of them aren't. All of them are painful, tiring, make me feel anxious or ugly, or any combination of those things. Today, yet another thing I'd been hoping would go away blew up - figuratively and literally - and it's left me feeling a bit fragile.
A couple of years ago, I had surgery for reccurent infected cysts at the top of my leg (gross, right?!). Except, they didn't go away. All I was left with was a massive, sore, purple scar at the top of my inner thigh, which makes me feel hideously unattractive. Every doctor's visit has ended in me being fobbed off with antibiotics that make me feel nauseous, and no offer of finding a long-term solution. This morning I woke up to find my scar had swollen massively and burst, and is now a painful open wound that makes it difficult to walk. A few days ago I spent 3 hours in the middle of the night writhing and screaming in pain from my period (no exaggeration). So this week has been the icing on a grim cake made of spine problems, severe eczema, asthma, bad allergies, and more. You get the idea, my body is in shambles.
I feel like it's totally reasonable for me to be feeling mopey and fragile and tired. Honestly, writing this blog post is hard because I feel embarassed about most of my health problems. My main fear is people seeing me as unclean and assuming I get cysts or eczema because I don't wash, which couldn't be further from the truth. I worry that people think I'm making things up or exaggerating, and get that vibe from my doctor too at times. So it's no surprise that I put off appointments. They rarely end in me actually getting proper help to fix the issues, which only makes things worse and makes me feel even more helpless. I feel like a burden on Freddie when I'm tired or in pain or fed up, and feel horrible and ugly most of the time (which is absolutely no reflection on him, he makes me feel so loved).
It's scary worrying if you'll ever be free of painful periods or contant cysts, or if your food allergies will ever kill you. It's exhausting not just being able to be 'normal'. Whilst I had a great time in Poland, it was through a haze of yet more antibiotics, pain killers, and enough antihistmaines to make a horse drowsy. Surrounded by trees and pollen, and with newly discovered and not-yet controlled asthma, I could barely breathe 99% of the time, and missed out on some things as a result. Trying to work in a busy retail job last October whilst managing back pain and periods that make me feel dizzy at best was an unpleasant experience, and I'm really not surprised they didn't keep me after the temp contract ended. It'd be great to just do one thing without considering allergies, or pain, or what time of the month it'll be, or trying to cover my eczema out of embarassment.
I'm at a point where I'm struggling to deal with everything and end up teary, anxious, and feeling totally helpless every time something new comes up. I'm just so tired of having things wrong with my body, and finding it hard not to see it as something wrong with me. In a way, it would be easier if they were things I could blame on lifestyle. Instead I'm just left wondering how I've ended up so unlucky. That probably sounds totally pathetic, and I know I'm in a better position than some people, but I'm just deeply fed up of feeling ugly, being in pain, and feeling constantly anxious.
I'm not really sure where this post is going. I just needed to challenge myself to openly say how I feel, I suppose. If you take anything away from this, it'd be that if you're struggling with health issues and need to talk, I'm always here. If you don't, then please be patient and understanding with your friends who have health problems, and for goodness' sake please never act like they're a hypochondriac or exaggerating or somehow to blame. I'm seeing my doctor again next week (which I'd been unhelpfully putting off) so hopefully I can come back with a cheerier update. Sorry for being such a downer and thank you if you've actually read this far!